From Unicorns and Fairies to Truth and Wisdom

I have always been a dreamer, one who easily slips in and out of reality with the ability to create a new one with just a blink of my eyes. However, as convenient as this may sound, it poses a problem when the lines of fabrication and truth become blurred, when fairies and unicorns become the norm, while harsh realities of life are swept into a closet, so easily forgotten.

After I married and began having children, I made a conscious choice to be a door for love to flow. I learned long ago that joy nor happiness are the result of what I get from others, that no person is responsible for my joy or happiness, that these are blessings received from loving unconditionally and giving freely with no strings. So even though my husband was not much of a joy maker, I still lived joyously, never blaming him when life became difficult. It was only after he left that I was able to see the truth of my marriage, began to see the patterns that connected the dots of his infidelity. Furthermore, because my love was not balanced with wisdom's truth, my harshest realization was that my marriage of fifteen years was nothing more than a farce, a one sided truth glued with a lie. It's been almost two years since he told me that marriage didn't work for him, but we're still not divorced, and it is this reality that has motivated me to write this blog. Fearful that I will allow myself to stay in this place of nowhere, I choose to be proactive by rewriting my life, creating a script that beams happy.

My friends and family often tell me that I have made it too easy, that my husband has the best of both worlds--the convenience of a family when he wants it and the freedom to live as he pleases. They judge him for leaving his family, for abandoning his sons. Yet, even though I no longer live in my land of Unicorns and Fairies, I still hold fast to many of the ideals that have shaped my life. I believe everyone has a right to live their happy, and if my husband can not live his happy with me, I respect his choice to leave, especially now that I am aware that his love was never present. I deserve more and want more than what he has offered. Yet, truth be told, I have still not let him go, and I know that until I do, I will not move forward, that I will not reach my greatest and highest potential.

The goal of my heart and the desire of my mind is to find the strength to do what needs to be done as expediently as possible. And because divorcing my husband is what needs to be done--(the hardest thing I have ever had to do), I have chosen to document my journey as I learn to let go of a lie and live for truth. I am excited about seeing my happy unfold on the pages of this blog, and even more excited to let my light shine and radiate God's good. Yet before I am truly able to do this, I must first confront my denial by acknowledging the hurt behind the lies, the pain that has made me static, the fear that has kept me from moving forward.

Psalm 143:8

I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.

Point out the road I must travel; I'm all 

ears, all eyes before you . . .