Wisdom's Grace

I won't allow myself to become a victim of pride, a victim of circumstance, undefined--a victim deceived by my husband's lies.  Such a sad revelation when he realized his fate, a love he thought real a mere mistake. He ignored the signs, tried to hide the lie--promising forever in vows not obliged. Today I start over with wisdom, my guide-- ready to soar, ready to fly!

Clarity cleanses and dries sad eyes, tears just a memory in yesterday's why's. Yet, two questions linger in my new found truth: "Why'd you stay so long, and why'd you lie so good?"  Blonde girl's hold was as real as absurd, done lamenting over a choice to be cursed, living and demonstrating Langston's "Dream Deferred" . . .

Yet, amiss it all, the hurt and pain, I didn't lose myself. Ha! I gained! The essence of my spirit still loves, laughs, and lives--not done yet, so much to give.  Living next chapter of my colorful life. I'm manifesting good--streaming light.  Fearless, self-assured, walking straight ahead, I smile realizing Wisdom's my friend.

Proverbs 4:4-5
I will not walk away from Wisdom--she guards my life;
I love her--she keeps her eyes on me,
Above all and before all, I do this:  Get Wisdom!
I write at the top of my list:  Get Understanding!
I throw my arms around her without regret;
I'll never let her go-she makes my life glorious.
She garlands my life with grace,
she festoons my days with beauty

*I am grateful today for this understanding, another prayer answered . . .

Deception's Notice

Why the above title? I have no idea.  Maybe it's born from the idea that as much as I claim I didn't see the lie, didn't know it existed, I--in fact--knew it all the time. It's as if deception taunted truth in front of me but pulled away before I could make a connection, leaving behind a cold mist in my heart, a chill that left my spirit feeling restless & helpless.  I sensed things weren't right, knew my husband's maniacal tantrums hurled at my heart were concerted and scripted to entangle me in his rage so he could have an excuse to leave, to go wherever his restless spirit needed to be free--to feel at ease.  To be truthful, I knew that his actions were born from his own self-hatred, that his hurtful rants had nothing to do with me. Yet, I chose to look the other way, to play the victim as I wept, "Woe me, what choice do I have? I have no tangible evidence that my marriage is a lie, and the more I prod him for answers, the more he'll just lie, twisting my insecurities into believing my lack of self is the true cause of my paranoia, my crazy . . ."  (The kind of crazy that consumes one with digging, stalking, and invading one's privacy with a force that destroys all in its wake).

I don't want to be this gal.  I don't want to be so preoccupied with my husband's comings and goings that I lose sight of what's important, that I lose precious moments of living joy, that I become a scarred woman with no drive or purpose.  This is not who I am, not who I was created to be.

I choose this moment to stop the crazy, to just let go, to exhale all my pain and hurt as I breathe new air, life giving air.  I can do this. I know I can do this.  I have to do this, the alternative too scary.  I choose God.  I choose love.  I choose joy.  I choose to live today as I give thanks for my blessings.

Jeremiah 31:11-13
I will free you from your heart's bully.  Those who love you will climb your mountain shouting with joy, their faces beaming because of God's bounty, all you need is provided, you are prosperous, your heart full.  Your life is now like a well-watered garden, never again to dry up. You will dance and be happy, those that love you will join in.  I'll convert your weeping to laughter, lavish comfort, invading your grief with joy.

A Heart's Desire to be Free

Why can’t I get you out of my head,

tortured by my own mind, 
heart longing for relief?

This choice of thinking is not wise,

stop perpetuating lies that confine, bind,

that release and build spiral stairs--

urged from despair, negativity . . .

Positive thoughts I say to myself

Embrace your blessings, 
so much love in your house . . .

A queen in your home

Your seat a thrown

Change the pattern of destructive thoughts,

the darkness cast that mocks your loss.

Choose Love that nurtures wings,

treasure bestowed where life begins

One Life, One Power, the Alpha/Omega,

Paint the colors of your mind--

be creative . . .

In this Love, life's Light blossoms

Here you'll find peace and solace . . .

Fight to untangle the chains and ropes, 
gasp for air, set yourself free,

Breathing untruths, a false reality. . . 

See the chains of your creation,

linked by the breath of  limitation . . .

And the ropes? How could it be?
When? Why? So much wasted time!

Ropes woven, weaved to perfect perfection
from fallen eyelashes 
washed from my tears--braided by my hands--strengthened by my fear . . .

No more I say!

        

     Today I let my light source shine,

my reflecting gift from a truth Divine,

illuminating a clarity for me to see

      the path of my life, my realized dreams . . .

*Even though I know these feelings are real, an extension of my being, my emotions at their rawest, it is difficult for me to own them, to accept that I am the woman behind all this pain . . .

Psalm 107:14-16
He brought me out of my darkness and cut my chains. I thank Him for His steadfast love, for all that He has done for me! For He has shattered my prison and cut the bars of iron, finally free!

  

From Unicorns and Fairies to Truth and Wisdom

I have always been a dreamer, one who easily slips in and out of reality with the ability to create a new one with just a blink of my eyes. However, as convenient as this may sound, it poses a problem when the lines of fabrication and truth become blurred, when fairies and unicorns become the norm, while harsh realities of life are swept into a closet, so easily forgotten.

After I married and began having children, I made a conscious choice to be a door for love to flow. I learned long ago that joy nor happiness are the result of what I get from others, that no person is responsible for my joy or happiness, that these are blessings received from loving unconditionally and giving freely with no strings. So even though my husband was not much of a joy maker, I still lived joyously, never blaming him when life became difficult. It was only after he left that I was able to see the truth of my marriage, began to see the patterns that connected the dots of his infidelity. Furthermore, because my love was not balanced with wisdom's truth, my harshest realization was that my marriage of fifteen years was nothing more than a farce, a one sided truth glued with a lie. It's been almost two years since he told me that marriage didn't work for him, but we're still not divorced, and it is this reality that has motivated me to write this blog. Fearful that I will allow myself to stay in this place of nowhere, I choose to be proactive by rewriting my life, creating a script that beams happy.

My friends and family often tell me that I have made it too easy, that my husband has the best of both worlds--the convenience of a family when he wants it and the freedom to live as he pleases. They judge him for leaving his family, for abandoning his sons. Yet, even though I no longer live in my land of Unicorns and Fairies, I still hold fast to many of the ideals that have shaped my life. I believe everyone has a right to live their happy, and if my husband can not live his happy with me, I respect his choice to leave, especially now that I am aware that his love was never present. I deserve more and want more than what he has offered. Yet, truth be told, I have still not let him go, and I know that until I do, I will not move forward, that I will not reach my greatest and highest potential.

The goal of my heart and the desire of my mind is to find the strength to do what needs to be done as expediently as possible. And because divorcing my husband is what needs to be done--(the hardest thing I have ever had to do), I have chosen to document my journey as I learn to let go of a lie and live for truth. I am excited about seeing my happy unfold on the pages of this blog, and even more excited to let my light shine and radiate God's good. Yet before I am truly able to do this, I must first confront my denial by acknowledging the hurt behind the lies, the pain that has made me static, the fear that has kept me from moving forward.

Psalm 143:8

I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.

Point out the road I must travel; I'm all 

ears, all eyes before you . . .