Setback Lane Is No Place to Park

As Christmas approaches, truth be told, I have not been jolly, have not been demonstrative of love and peace, have not exhibited any signs of a woman who is grateful for her many blessings. Consequently, it is for these reasons I have have abandoned my blog, have allowed myself to fall victim to old patterns that stifle growth as I run from truth. It amazes me how easily I can allow life's hurts to distract me from what my spirit yearns, a chance--an opportunity to rewrite my life, to create a script that illuminates joy and reads happy.

Making it all the worse are the reasons which drove me to 1 Setback Lane.  Ugh!  It's silly in hindsight to say to myself, "Really, Lauren? Are you so vulnerable that an overdrawn bank account and a teasing text can send you to a land of crazy parked on a curb of Setback Lane? " Yet, as silly as it may be, until I change the patterns occupying my sub-conscious, the answer will continue to be a resounding yes.  Until I see undesired Ms.Victim pushing her way toward my door of joy for an unwelcome visit and stop her dead in her tracks, unearthed hurts will continue to frazzle me as each painful memory plays like a slide show set to repeat.  It is for this reason I choose to document my journey as I rewrite my life's script.  I know in my heart that in writing my truth as it unfolds, silly setbacks will not move me backward.  Instead, a setback will be a temporary human moment documented to remind me that everything is a choice, and that I do not have to choose old patterns that imprison me to a belief that self defeat is the only reality I can achieve.  This is not what I want, nor what my spirit was created to be.  I will keep affirming that I am a door for joy and deserve to live my happy.  I will keep writing these words until all of my mind accepts it as true and lives it with the grace God gave me when I breathed my first breath of life.

So, how did this setback of crazy begin?  It started when I realized I was overdrawn and sent my husband a text asking him to deposit money in our joint account.  When he didn't respond, I texted him again, and again.  Then, allowing my mind to wander to forbidden territory, I found myself reliving past hurts, blaming him for my self imposed misery, which, (of course)--led me to obsessive texts ranting crazy!  It didn't help my weakened mind's state when I woke up to a teasing text from a friend's husband telling me that his friend was asking if the "sexy chic" would be attending the Christmas party my friend invited me to this coming Saturday.  Again, I allowed my mind to charter forbidden territory, blaming my husband for my current identity.  I envisioned myself as a soon to be divorced harlot unworthy of love:  Why else would my friend's husband be texting me about  his very married friend asking about me?  Why else would I be referred to as the "sexy chic?"  I never received texts like this when I was Mrs. Lauren . . . wife of a Pack 12 Football Coach.  It's all my husband's fault!  When he asked me to stop teaching and then left soon after, he took my identity with him. It's all because of him!  I hate him for what he has done to me!!!  Boo Hoo . . . woe me . . . blah, blah, blah.

Ha!  And after that pity party, my husband received more texts that continued to rant crazy. Surprisingly,  God spoke to me through the last person I would ever expect to find comfort, the reason I knew immediately who sent the message.  My father-in-law called to ramble his usual complaints when I unleashed all my hurt on his almost deaf ears.  I didn't care that I was insulting his Golden Boy, that I was airing all my dirty laundry.  I even told him about my crazy ranting texts, that in my desperate need for his son to know my pain, I acted in a manner not becoming of a woman trying to move forward, a woman trying to change.  Usually, when he hears what he doesn't want to hear, he pretends he didn't hear and redirects the conversation back to him.  Yet on this Thursday morning, he offered words of encouragement.  He told me that I had a setback, and in light of all I've been through, it was okay to have a human moment.  However, if I allow a human moment to define me then I will not move forward.  But if I, instead, choose to see it as it was, a human moment, then I can get past it and continue moving forward.  He then repeated to me what I so often tell him, "Lauren, a wise woman once told me that happiness is a choice."  When I hung up the phone, I whispered to my heart, "Thank you, God . . . I heard you!"

My day ended with an inspiring text from my sister-in-law.  She told me that she had read my blog and complimented my writing, my truth.  She then asked me to bring work out clothes to my upcoming visit to the Big Apple (where she and my brother reside), inviting me to attend some classes with her.  Wow, another prayer answered.  I love my sister-in-law.  Her layers run deep, and it has been my heart's desire to learn more of them.  Even though she doesn't see it herself, she is wisdom personified.  My heart whispered to me two years ago, "Through Wendi more truth will be revealed, a truth that will offer peace to both your spirits."

As I close, I give thanks for my new eyes, for the wisdom that has allowed a setback to be a moment of learning, that as much as I desire to be a door for joy and to live my happy, hurts from my past are still hurtful and nothing I can do will change that. However, I must not allow these hurts to interfere with my current reality.  My husband missed my text, and my friend's husband thought he was being complimentary, the truth behind my crazy.  It was my choice to let hurtful memories spawn into a blaming hate fest.  Recognizing this truth, my heart is happy and my spirit at peace.

Matthew 4:16

(Having lived) in darkness I have now seen a great light, 

(no longer) living in the shadow of death, a light has dawned on me.

Acceptance (Change is a Choice Limited to Me)

Naturally curious by nature, I have an unusual need to know everything about whatever sparks my interest at any given time--a trait passed from my mother, the one joy we shared.  I am an information junkie, a reader of all genres.  Even though my passion for learning and knowing dwindled after marriage and having children, more because of redirected priorities than anything else, I still managed to find time to read a good book or Google need-to-know-immediately questions.  However, in February of 2012, my desire to learn and know dissipated like the steam from the frothy cream of a perfect espresso. It seems like forever and a day since that dreadful month and year, a moment in time that my mind refuses to erase, a time that still whispers, "Life as you knew it will be no more."   To make a long story short, my prayer for clarity was answered, and I woke up one morning a single mom of three boys, a reality I was not expecting.  Almost two years later, I am finally ready to say good bye to the past, hello to my present, and welcome to my future.  Admittedly, it has been a long journey to get where I am, and thanks to the support of a perfect God, a loving family, loyal friends, and a few good books--Ha! . . . more like many great books, I am again among the living, my need to learn, know, and now grow is back in full throttle.

As much as I would like to blame my husband for stifling my breath, for suffocating life from my being, for my inability to move forward, for my lack of joy (I could go on for hours), I now realize that my inability to be a door for joy to flow in and out was my doing, my choice.  Even though I forgave my husband for all the hurtful things he has done (while we were together and apart), I have just recently forgiven myself for my part in our dysfunctional relationship.  For years, I waited for him to change--convinced myself that if I could get him to see me and know me, he would like me and see me as fun . . . that if I showed him what unconditional love looked like, he would accept me and all my flaws . . . that if I stayed fit and pretty, he would not want anyone else . . . that if I demonstrated how to have meaningful relationships, he would be a better father, husband, and friend.  Well, none of my "that if's"  manifested into a "he would."  I wasted many years seeking validation that never came only to find myself a single mom with no identity.  

My mind still refuses to forget that awful day in February of 2012, but I now understand why and no longer fight to bury the hurt.  I am stronger, wiser, and more in touch with who I am as a mother and a woman.  I now realize that it was my choice to be stuck in a reality built on lies, my choice to be stagnant in a reality built on truth--that the key to my happy has nothing to do with my husband changing, nothing to do with him waking up with a desire to smell my morning breath.  I have no control over my husband, no power to fix him. However, I do have the power to change my reality, to thrive no matter what the temperature because I have the power to change me, the power to choose who I want to be and how I want to live.  It's life affirming to realize that I can reinvent myself for me with no expectation but the joy of living, that I can exist without the validation I thought I needed to breathe.  My happy stems from my choice to be happy, so as I embark on a new life, and continue to" tweak" the woman I want to be, I smile knowing that I'm happy by choice and living for me.  Created in God's image, I choose to be an expression of good that radiates love as I make my happy with joy.

Psalms 63:5-7 

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

Wisdom's Grace

I won't allow myself to become a victim of pride, a victim of circumstance, undefined--a victim deceived by my husband's lies.  Such a sad revelation when he realized his fate, a love he thought real a mere mistake. He ignored the signs, tried to hide the lie--promising forever in vows not obliged. Today I start over with wisdom, my guide-- ready to soar, ready to fly!

Clarity cleanses and dries sad eyes, tears just a memory in yesterday's why's. Yet, two questions linger in my new found truth: "Why'd you stay so long, and why'd you lie so good?"  Blonde girl's hold was as real as absurd, done lamenting over a choice to be cursed, living and demonstrating Langston's "Dream Deferred" . . .

Yet, amiss it all, the hurt and pain, I didn't lose myself. Ha! I gained! The essence of my spirit still loves, laughs, and lives--not done yet, so much to give.  Living next chapter of my colorful life. I'm manifesting good--streaming light.  Fearless, self-assured, walking straight ahead, I smile realizing Wisdom's my friend.

Proverbs 4:4-5
I will not walk away from Wisdom--she guards my life;
I love her--she keeps her eyes on me,
Above all and before all, I do this:  Get Wisdom!
I write at the top of my list:  Get Understanding!
I throw my arms around her without regret;
I'll never let her go-she makes my life glorious.
She garlands my life with grace,
she festoons my days with beauty

*I am grateful today for this understanding, another prayer answered . . .