Making it all the worse are the reasons which drove me to 1 Setback Lane. Ugh! It's silly in hindsight to say to myself, "Really, Lauren? Are you so vulnerable that an overdrawn bank account and a teasing text can send you to a land of crazy parked on a curb of Setback Lane? " Yet, as silly as it may be, until I change the patterns occupying my sub-conscious, the answer will continue to be a resounding yes. Until I see undesired Ms.Victim pushing her way toward my door of joy for an unwelcome visit and stop her dead in her tracks, unearthed hurts will continue to frazzle me as each painful memory plays like a slide show set to repeat. It is for this reason I choose to document my journey as I rewrite my life's script. I know in my heart that in writing my truth as it unfolds, silly setbacks will not move me backward. Instead, a setback will be a temporary human moment documented to remind me that everything is a choice, and that I do not have to choose old patterns that imprison me to a belief that self defeat is the only reality I can achieve. This is not what I want, nor what my spirit was created to be. I will keep affirming that I am a door for joy and deserve to live my happy. I will keep writing these words until all of my mind accepts it as true and lives it with the grace God gave me when I breathed my first breath of life.
So, how did this setback of crazy begin? It started when I realized I was overdrawn and sent my husband a text asking him to deposit money in our joint account. When he didn't respond, I texted him again, and again. Then, allowing my mind to wander to forbidden territory, I found myself reliving past hurts, blaming him for my self imposed misery, which, (of course)--led me to obsessive texts ranting crazy! It didn't help my weakened mind's state when I woke up to a teasing text from a friend's husband telling me that his friend was asking if the "sexy chic" would be attending the Christmas party my friend invited me to this coming Saturday. Again, I allowed my mind to charter forbidden territory, blaming my husband for my current identity. I envisioned myself as a soon to be divorced harlot unworthy of love: Why else would my friend's husband be texting me about his very married friend asking about me? Why else would I be referred to as the "sexy chic?" I never received texts like this when I was Mrs. Lauren . . . wife of a Pack 12 Football Coach. It's all my husband's fault! When he asked me to stop teaching and then left soon after, he took my identity with him. It's all because of him! I hate him for what he has done to me!!! Boo Hoo . . . woe me . . . blah, blah, blah.
Ha! And after that pity party, my husband received more texts that continued to rant crazy. Surprisingly, God spoke to me through the last person I would ever expect to find comfort, the reason I knew immediately who sent the message. My father-in-law called to ramble his usual complaints when I unleashed all my hurt on his almost deaf ears. I didn't care that I was insulting his Golden Boy, that I was airing all my dirty laundry. I even told him about my crazy ranting texts, that in my desperate need for his son to know my pain, I acted in a manner not becoming of a woman trying to move forward, a woman trying to change. Usually, when he hears what he doesn't want to hear, he pretends he didn't hear and redirects the conversation back to him. Yet on this Thursday morning, he offered words of encouragement. He told me that I had a setback, and in light of all I've been through, it was okay to have a human moment. However, if I allow a human moment to define me then I will not move forward. But if I, instead, choose to see it as it was, a human moment, then I can get past it and continue moving forward. He then repeated to me what I so often tell him, "Lauren, a wise woman once told me that happiness is a choice." When I hung up the phone, I whispered to my heart, "Thank you, God . . . I heard you!"
My day ended with an inspiring text from my sister-in-law. She told me that she had read my blog and complimented my writing, my truth. She then asked me to bring work out clothes to my upcoming visit to the Big Apple (where she and my brother reside), inviting me to attend some classes with her. Wow, another prayer answered. I love my sister-in-law. Her layers run deep, and it has been my heart's desire to learn more of them. Even though she doesn't see it herself, she is wisdom personified. My heart whispered to me two years ago, "Through Wendi more truth will be revealed, a truth that will offer peace to both your spirits."
As I close, I give thanks for my new eyes, for the wisdom that has allowed a setback to be a moment of learning, that as much as I desire to be a door for joy and to live my happy, hurts from my past are still hurtful and nothing I can do will change that. However, I must not allow these hurts to interfere with my current reality. My husband missed my text, and my friend's husband thought he was being complimentary, the truth behind my crazy. It was my choice to let hurtful memories spawn into a blaming hate fest. Recognizing this truth, my heart is happy and my spirit at peace.
Matthew 4:16
(Having lived) in darkness I have now seen a great light,
(no longer) living in the shadow of death, a light has dawned on me.
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