Acceptance (Change is a Choice Limited to Me)

Naturally curious by nature, I have an unusual need to know everything about whatever sparks my interest at any given time--a trait passed from my mother, the one joy we shared.  I am an information junkie, a reader of all genres.  Even though my passion for learning and knowing dwindled after marriage and having children, more because of redirected priorities than anything else, I still managed to find time to read a good book or Google need-to-know-immediately questions.  However, in February of 2012, my desire to learn and know dissipated like the steam from the frothy cream of a perfect espresso. It seems like forever and a day since that dreadful month and year, a moment in time that my mind refuses to erase, a time that still whispers, "Life as you knew it will be no more."   To make a long story short, my prayer for clarity was answered, and I woke up one morning a single mom of three boys, a reality I was not expecting.  Almost two years later, I am finally ready to say good bye to the past, hello to my present, and welcome to my future.  Admittedly, it has been a long journey to get where I am, and thanks to the support of a perfect God, a loving family, loyal friends, and a few good books--Ha! . . . more like many great books, I am again among the living, my need to learn, know, and now grow is back in full throttle.

As much as I would like to blame my husband for stifling my breath, for suffocating life from my being, for my inability to move forward, for my lack of joy (I could go on for hours), I now realize that my inability to be a door for joy to flow in and out was my doing, my choice.  Even though I forgave my husband for all the hurtful things he has done (while we were together and apart), I have just recently forgiven myself for my part in our dysfunctional relationship.  For years, I waited for him to change--convinced myself that if I could get him to see me and know me, he would like me and see me as fun . . . that if I showed him what unconditional love looked like, he would accept me and all my flaws . . . that if I stayed fit and pretty, he would not want anyone else . . . that if I demonstrated how to have meaningful relationships, he would be a better father, husband, and friend.  Well, none of my "that if's"  manifested into a "he would."  I wasted many years seeking validation that never came only to find myself a single mom with no identity.  

My mind still refuses to forget that awful day in February of 2012, but I now understand why and no longer fight to bury the hurt.  I am stronger, wiser, and more in touch with who I am as a mother and a woman.  I now realize that it was my choice to be stuck in a reality built on lies, my choice to be stagnant in a reality built on truth--that the key to my happy has nothing to do with my husband changing, nothing to do with him waking up with a desire to smell my morning breath.  I have no control over my husband, no power to fix him. However, I do have the power to change my reality, to thrive no matter what the temperature because I have the power to change me, the power to choose who I want to be and how I want to live.  It's life affirming to realize that I can reinvent myself for me with no expectation but the joy of living, that I can exist without the validation I thought I needed to breathe.  My happy stems from my choice to be happy, so as I embark on a new life, and continue to" tweak" the woman I want to be, I smile knowing that I'm happy by choice and living for me.  Created in God's image, I choose to be an expression of good that radiates love as I make my happy with joy.

Psalms 63:5-7 

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.