Deception's Notice

Why the above title? I have no idea.  Maybe it's born from the idea that as much as I claim I didn't see the lie, didn't know it existed, I--in fact--knew it all the time. It's as if deception taunted truth in front of me but pulled away before I could make a connection, leaving behind a cold mist in my heart, a chill that left my spirit feeling restless & helpless.  I sensed things weren't right, knew my husband's maniacal tantrums hurled at my heart were concerted and scripted to entangle me in his rage so he could have an excuse to leave, to go wherever his restless spirit needed to be free--to feel at ease.  To be truthful, I knew that his actions were born from his own self-hatred, that his hurtful rants had nothing to do with me. Yet, I chose to look the other way, to play the victim as I wept, "Woe me, what choice do I have? I have no tangible evidence that my marriage is a lie, and the more I prod him for answers, the more he'll just lie, twisting my insecurities into believing my lack of self is the true cause of my paranoia, my crazy . . ."  (The kind of crazy that consumes one with digging, stalking, and invading one's privacy with a force that destroys all in its wake).

I don't want to be this gal.  I don't want to be so preoccupied with my husband's comings and goings that I lose sight of what's important, that I lose precious moments of living joy, that I become a scarred woman with no drive or purpose.  This is not who I am, not who I was created to be.

I choose this moment to stop the crazy, to just let go, to exhale all my pain and hurt as I breathe new air, life giving air.  I can do this. I know I can do this.  I have to do this, the alternative too scary.  I choose God.  I choose love.  I choose joy.  I choose to live today as I give thanks for my blessings.

Jeremiah 31:11-13
I will free you from your heart's bully.  Those who love you will climb your mountain shouting with joy, their faces beaming because of God's bounty, all you need is provided, you are prosperous, your heart full.  Your life is now like a well-watered garden, never again to dry up. You will dance and be happy, those that love you will join in.  I'll convert your weeping to laughter, lavish comfort, invading your grief with joy.